


The Three Demons of Konohagakure

by HarkinTheDestroyer



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But also serious, Comedy, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 are Trolls (Naruto), Dai-nana-han | Team 7 as Family (Naruto), Fuuinjutsu Master Uzumaki Naruto, Gaara is Bad at Feelings (Naruto), Medic Haruno Sakura, Other, Team Bonding, Uchiha Sasuke Being an Asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25919074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarkinTheDestroyer/pseuds/HarkinTheDestroyer
Summary: Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura have been known as the Three Demons of Konoha since the academy. Their reputation has even exceeded the village walls. What will happen when Team 7 if finally formed with Kakashi at the helm?
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Gaara & Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 43
Kudos: 407
Collections: Absolutely favorite works, Rhyne's Chakra Coils





	1. Academy Students Suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka has too much to deal with so trouble ensues...

The great majority of Shinobi do not want to be Academy teachers, hell, most don’t even want to be assigned Genin teams. A lot of the young ninja-in-training tended to be whiney, snobby, worshippers, or an ugly combination of all three. They assume the militaristic lifestyle to be nothing more than fun and games. An ideology that tended to poke at the sensitive nerves and bitter emotions of the experiences Shinobi. While yes, some Jonin had…  _ eccentric  _ personalities, this usually tended to stray from something traumatic. These disturbing remembrances tended to rear themselves when those insensitive general nuisances came into view. Even among the various prestigious ninja clans, there were occasional troublemakers.

The few who held the title of ‘ _ sensei _ ’ were often revered for the strongest mental fortitude among Shinobi. Well… the statement above is slightly incorrect. The  _ one  _ Chunin-sensei who somehow managed to enjoy his teaching job while simultaneously keeping a firm hold on his sanity was worshiped for his psychological strength. Coincidently, he was also the only person (Hokage excluded) who could wrangle some of the more wayward Jonin into the much-dreaded hospital excursions. This magical, amazing awe-inspiring (probably underpaid) Chunin was known as Umino Iruka. Naturally, this treasured ability to handle the harshest mental strain meant that he, unfortunately, handled a great deal of things normal Shinobi could not.

Poor Iruka was often given the job of organizing and filing mission reports, tracking down those who neglected said paperwork, wrangling the more medically uninclined, and juggling normal mission all while training the younger generation. Unsurprisingly, he had been called upon to persuade an injured and moody Hayate into seeking his much-needed medical attention. For a supposedly severely injured Jonin, the Chunin sent to retrieves him were having a remarkably difficult time. Thus the all-powerful Iruka had been summoned. This, of course, left no one to deal with the delinquents that received after class detention. Specifically, this left no one to handle worst of the worst troublemaking trio of Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke. All previous offenders even before they banned together.

In olden times, Sakura had been sent to the ‘ _ low-security child detainment center _ ’ for assaulting her peers. Boy or girl, she quickly decimated all who opposed her. She tended to blame her ‘ _ misbehavior on account of domineering behaviors _ ’. The kid was just too smart for her own good. She could lead the Chunin-sensei’s in circles all while doing her homework. Maki-sensei had quit after the little heathen spent half of the class correcting his inter-village relations presentation and the other pummeling the unfortunate classmate who dared to comment on the size of her forehead. Whispers of a second coming of the hot-blooded habanero were prominent for weeks after the incident.

Sasuke was also a student notorious for causing teachers to quit, retire, and in extreme circumstances disappear entirely. Now, as the much loved last Uchiha, Sasuke had been given nearly everything his little heart could desire. The reverence and attention of teachers, prime study material, even an apartment and allowance from the Hokage. (Even if the Hokage should not be leaving such a small child who recently experienced a traumatic event on his own.) Many of his peers (the majority being female) practically worshipped the ground in which he walked. Yet, with an admiral maturity, he never grew spoiled or bitter. No. The little demon decided that he was going to petrify anyone who showed even a touch of bias towards blood, fame, or wealth with a Genjutsu well above his academy level. There had been many hospital trips in his name.

While both Sasuke and Sakura had very impressive track records, Naruto was captain of his own little sub-category of troublemaking. Already as an Academy Student he had earned the title of the Demon of Konohagakure. This was impressive since most Shinobi only earned their pseudonyms either by years of missions or excepted application to ANBU. His was a title brought upon by multiple instances and events that if compiled would be several books too many. Generally speaking, the name had come from two separate groups; the first being the villagers and the second being any sort of merchant or political figure currently in Konoha. Obviously, the prior group's hatred stemmed from his connection to the Kyuubi no Kitsune. The latter hated him for the extra paperwork one needed to sign when staying in the village for extended amounts of time that said, in shorter terms, ‘If you’re attacked by the Demon of Konoha, it’s not our problem and you can’t declare war.’

Recently, however, the Hokage had been working to revise the aforementioned paperwork. This was due to the despairing reality that Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto had begun to band together and cause more collective and organized chaos. Thus the  _ Three _ Demons of Konohagakure ‘ _ not our problem _ ’ form was created. Many politicians visiting the village during the reign of the Three Demons, had been confused by the strange new addition in their travel papers. For the poor, poor elder Hokage, it wasn’t long before the trio decided to expand their  _ modus operandi _ to any foreigner that entered the village. The Hokage drowned his sorrows in sake and cried over the obscene amount of paperwork.

And now we have Mizuki. A Chunin-sensei who may or may not have problems with children. Actually, people in general…

He three tiny pre-Genin Academy student demons sat shoulder to shoulder with an eerie silence hanging over them. Which was rather odd considering the Akimichi and Nara heirs talking amicably in the background. Sasuke seemed to be brooding, Sakura was reading an advanced medical dictionary, and Naruto seemed to be writing gibberish on a piece of rice paper. Mizuki marched into the classroom with a hard expression. The other Chunin-sensei had spoken gory tales about the trouble the trio had caused. Izuki, the natural cynic, was skeptical about the damage the three kids were truly able to enact. Obviously, he, a mid-level Chunin wouldn’t be harmed by mere  _ Academy  _ students. With a grand and exaggerated sigh, he attempted to grasp their attention.

The trio didn’t move a muscle, ignoring him in favor of whatever currently occupied them. With an even louder clearing of his throat, he tried to find their eyes once again. The irate Sensei gained no response. With a low growl, he began to march towards the unsuspecting trio, only to trip off the nearly unnoticeable shinobi-wire. With a startled shout, he found himself suddenly upside down and thoroughly tangled in shinobi-wire. The illusion of the trio sitting at the desk faded away. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura hopped into the classroom through a window.

“Ne, Sasuke, you’re getting pretty good with that wire!” Naruto stated, with a slight nod as he circled the handing Chunin-sensei.

Sasuke smirked at the compliment as Sakura began to rummage through the captured Chunin’s pockets. Meanwhile, the original Konoha Demon liberated the man of kunai pouch. It was then that Mizuki’s mind finally caught up with him.

“You brats!” He shouted, “Release me!”

Sakura pushed him slightly which caused the Chunin-sensei to swing back and forth. She let out a haughty laugh.

“A Chunin can’t escape from  _ lowly _ Academy students! What is the village coming to!” She said with feigned horror.

Mizuki could say nothing more as the girl viciously slapped a piece of tape over his mouth before skipping happily over to the other heathens. He could only watch as they straightened and willed their faces into a neutral expression. Naruto waved to the Nara and Akimichi as they walked out of the room, neither spared him a glance.

Sasuke stepped forward, “The defendant 6A2B has been accused of bias, test misconduct, and domineering behaviors. We shall now present the evidence against him.”

Sakura pulled several random pictures of him instructing some of the newer Academy students through basic taijutsu stances. She also pulled out various pieces of paperwork she should most definitely  _ not  _ have. Mizuki was beginning to grow more and more worried about dismissing the other Chunin-sensei’s warnings so quickly. Sakura held up one of the tests.

“As you can see here, this is one Uzumaki-san’s essay on why stealth is critical for an adequate Shinobi.” Sakura held up the answer key, “He was given a failing score that brought down his academic status to the worst in the class. As you can see from the answer sheet we…  _ acquired _ , the test has been graded incorrectly. With a little bit of digging, we have discovered that  _ you _ , Mizuki-san, graded this test.”

Sakura slammed the papers onto a desk, while Naruto picked up some of the many photos with a cheesy grin. She motioned towards the pictures.

“As you can see here; while teaching first-year Academy students you deliberately excluded the girls of the class from participating in the taijutsu stances.” A dark aura radiated off of Sakura as the photo was crumpled in her hand.

Naruto restrained the fuming girl while Sasuke stepped forward.

“Hn, you’re very biased.” He stated, “For these transgressions, your punishment shall be…”

Naruto pulled a piece of paper from the hat with a cheesy grin.

“Public humiliation!” He cheered.

Mizuki could only scream as he was covered in glitter, glue, paint, and feathers. Once the Chunin had passed out Sakura cut him down. The man fell to the floor with an ungraceful slap. Taking a couple of steps back the trio admired their work. Naruto shook his head, Sakura sighed and Sasuke pouted.

“This  _ isn’t  _ severe enough…” Naruto stated.

Sakura nodded, “Something is defiantly missing.

“Hn…” Sasuke agreed.

With a snap of his fingers, Naruto began to rummage through their prank bag. Suddenly, with a large amount of enthusiasm, he pulled something from the bag with a flourish. A sadistic smirk slowly spread across Sakura’s face.

“Naruto you crazy genius!” She squealed.

Several hours later, Mizuki could be seen crawling through the village thoroughly clad in glitter and stripped to his underwear. His hair had been dyed an ugly shade of orange while his face was smeared with a horrid rip-off geisha make-up. Attached to his back was a gravity seal just heavy enough where his only choice of movement was to crawl. The day after the seal wore off, Mizuki left the village, never to return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this cause it was bugging me...


	2. Kakashi Doesn't Want Genin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi DOES NOT WANT STUPID GENIN!

Chapter 2

Reliability is the pinnacle of Shinobi prowess. For your village you must be strong, for your village you must be useful, for your village you must sacrifice. These are the aspects that create the impeccably perfect Shinobi. You must be someone you Hokage can trust to protect the village’s future no matter the personal cost. Blood, natural genius, and unquestioning loyalty are some of the more discreetly treasured aspects. The Hyuga treasured blood while looking for usefulness, the Uchiha fed on hatred while striving for power, and the Uzumaki valued loyalty no matter the sacrifice. It is strange that leaders seemed to misplace the thoughts of how two powerful clans fell despite how powerful or perfect they appeared.

Yet, the ideal Shinobi seem to be few and far between. Uchiha Itachi was praised as a once in a lifetime genius. He was powerful, emotionless, and extremely loyal to the village, an overall flawless Shinobi. As a tool, he was bent, battered, and overworked until it seemed as though he finally snapped. The Uchiha clan’s greatest creation was their destruction. Konoha had Minato, both an emotionally stable and powerful Jonin set on the path to become Hokage. He was loyal enough to sacrifice himself and his son to save the village. Perhaps a perfect Shinobi, but less than a perfect father. Kakashi was an amazing Shinobi in nearly every aspect. Yes, he was a little emotionally unstable, and perhaps a little estranged… but he was still kicking which, all things considered, is  _ something _ . Ignoring Orochimaru…

Now, all the above-mentioned Shinobi had chasm deep flaws despite being ‘ _ ideal _ ’. If you want to talk about perfect… Jiraiya was a genius, an absolutely positively amazing Shinobi. He had poise, theatrics, wasn’t  _ too _ ugly, and above all… he was an excellent writer. The amount of time he spent procuring accurate details regarding the scenes in his books was breathtaking. The man was truly a connoisseur of both stealth and the finer things in life (that was,  _ hem _ , an important Shinobi aspect…). He had to be a god among men to be so… GODLY when it came to literature! While his taste in book covers (Bright orange… really?) could be improved, it was the content that truly mattered. Jiraiya’s book ‘ _ Icha Icha Paradise _ ’ held a wealth of knowledge regarding the current matters of the Elemental Nations. Warnings and whispers of rising organizations and traitorous old teammates were scattered throughout the lines of the novels.

(He was lying. It was totally just porn.)

The spymaster of Konohagakure had constructed the perfect network to feed the village information. From dangerous elder brothers to the Kazekage’s favorite food, everything was concealed within the unsuspecting shade of eye murdering orange. Jiraiya seemed to have accounted for every possibility of their enemies stumbling upon this information. Even if a ninja slipped past the cover’s inconspicuous vail, they would be greeted with sexy-sexy times written out on nearly every page… WITH an ingenious plot, yup, book totally had a plot. Anyway, since the book was packed with this treasure trove of information Kakashi was perfectly justified in reading it 24/7. (It definitely wasn’t an easy way to distract himself from his ever-present crushing guilt and trauma surrounding his entire team’s and father’s death.) Whether that be while training, picking up groceries, getting eyed by disgust by Iruka…

Kakashi did a double-take. By the glare he was shooting the dog-nin, he could assume he was definitely late to something. After all, Iruka was only released to track down the most troublesome of Shinobi. Perhaps Hayate had escaped from the hospital… again. Kakashi had overheard some Chunin talking about how the poor underpaid Iruka spent nearly two whole days attempting to track down the hospital intolerant idiot. Supposedly he was found bleeding out via abdominal laceration in the forest of death. Kakashi shifted on top of the civilian apartment building as he tried to recall what he could have possibly forgotten. Meanwhile, Iruka seemed to have just about had it with eccentric Jonin with their eccentric personalities and eccentric versions of fashionably late. Five hours was  _ not  _ fashionable dammit!

“Does the Hokage’s office sound familiar, Kakashi-san?” Iruka questioned irritably.

Kakashi ‘hmmed’ noncommittedly. What could the Hokage have possibly wanted  _ him  _ for? The  _ Icha Icha Paradise Book Club _ only met on Tuesdays…

Iruka took a deep calming breath, reminding himself that killing compatriots was generally frowned upon in Konoha. Leaping up next to Kakashi, he yanked the vile porn book (glorious informative novel) out of the wayward Shinobi’s hands. The dog-nin must have been underestimating the overworked Chunin-Sensei’s stress levels since the usual negotiation seemed to be overlooked as he ripped the book in half. Kakashi let out a dramatic whine. (There goes his coping mechanism.) The emotionally vacant Shinobi often enjoyed theatrics, but it helped that he had a spare at home.

“ _ Hatake Kakashi _ , you have  _ never  _ turned in post-mission paperwork anywhere close to remotely on time. Think of a more valid excuse as to why the  _ Hokage  _ himself would call for your immediate presence.” The man stated as a vein popped on his forehead, “Perhaps a hint would refresh your memory; I do believe that Academy students graduate around this time of year.”

Ah…  _ right _ … the one thing Kakashi had forcibly made himself forget. Genin teams were being selected and Kakashi,  _ as always _ , would be forced to briefly tolerate intolerable brats. Inwardly, the Jonin cursed himself for his poor choice in hiding spot. This was THE Umino Iruka! The only man who could placate Anko and track down both Hayate and himself all while training the next batch of Shinobi. In simpler terms, he was the master of the advanced Shinobi version of hide-and-seek.

“Ma, I do believe I left my oven on…” The former ANBU said, suddenly wanting to be anywhere else.

Kakashi was stopped in place by the sudden aura of death surrounding the Chunin-Sensei. Slowly turning, he was met with a glare that promised that he both knew where Kakashi’s spare book was hidden and promised to destroy it if he didn’t get his ass to the Hokage Tower. There may have also been spoken threats of a months’ worth of only D-rank missions and a refusal to share his famous curry. Kakashi’s face hardened. No one messed with his curry addiction.

“On second thought… my house can just burst into flames! I am late for a meeting with the Hokage, after all!” With a lazy solute, he disappeared.

A mere thirty seconds later he was through the window to the Hokage’s office. The old man didn’t even blink, just giving the deadpan  _ how-many-damn-times-do-I-have-to-tell-you-not-to-come-through-the-window _ ?

“You called for me, Hokage-sama?” He questioned.

Another sigh and a ruffle of papers.

“Here’s your Genin team. If the pass they’ll be team 7…” The Hokage said tiredly.

Kakashi glanced down at the files. The first had some random pink haired civilian who just happened to be the top Kunoichi of her class. The second was the top Shinobi of his class, the  _ last Uchiha _ . That was going to be a troublesome can of worms to deal with. The last was the dobe of the class, Uzumaki Naruto… his Sensei’s son…  _ lovely _ . Glancing up at the Hokage who had apparently decided it was the perfect time to begin chugging a bottle of sake Kakashi could only stare.

“I wish you the best  _ hic  _ of luck with those demons.” The Hokage sighed.

Kakashi continued to stare in shock which, apparently, the Hokage noticed.

“What are you waiting for? They’re as the Academy! You’re dismissed! Shew!  _ Move swiftly to you demise! _ ” The aged Hokage yelled.

The dog-nin wisely decided it was time to leave the slightly deranged Hokage. He did have brats to terrorize. As Kakashi hopped back out the window, he didn’t notice the Hokage watching him with weary eyes. Taking another swig of sake, he sunk into his chair. Quite suddenly, his eyes flew wide open.

“ _ Oh gods _ !” The Sarutobi wailed, “What am I going to do if team 7 passes?”

When Kakashi arrived at the Academy, he had originally expected several things. He expected lovely little Sakura-chan to be the brilliant civilian koi suddenly thrust into the violent river of Shinobi life, adorable little Sasuke-kun would be a fuzzy ball of untamable emotional angst, and cute little Naruto-chan to be a loud attention seeker. They would all yell at him for being brutally late, standard introductions would ensue, he would fail them, fail them again, and then go back to his usual boring life. Unfortunately, as per with most things Kakashi expected, the universe decided to disagree with that plan.

The eraser between the door and the wall was adorable really, he hadn’t thought much when he decided to humor it. Always willing to make a strange impression, he would savor their expressions. To fall for this  _ harmless  _ prank had been his first mistake.

Kakashi 0 – Demon Trio 1

He opened the door… and activated the gravity seal attached to the eraser. Kakashi was just barely able to dodge, Shinobi reflexes kicking in with the slightest flicker of chakra. The eraser left a dent in the floor where it had fallen. A DENT IN THE FLOOR. If he had been any less the Shinobi he was… that would have been his head. Calming his racing heartbeat, Kakashi took a soothing deep breath. Perhaps these students wouldn’t be as unskilled as he had originally assumed. One could always purchase seals, although, gravity seals were slightly harder to locate… Scanning his surrounding, Kakashi noted that his Genin were, if fact, not in the room. Wonderful. He noticed a single piece of paper with the word  _ Sensei _ , written across it.

_ “Dear Sensei,”  _ The note began,  _ “You are a tardy bastard. We’re at Naruto’s apartment. Sincerely, your beloved Genin.” _

Kakashi sweatdropped at the note. At least he knew where they were. As soon as he put the note down it decided to explode. There was no boom or flashy explosion. Nope. There was orange paint splashed everywhere.  _ This _ Kakashi was unable to dodge. He was growing to hate the color orange… He glared at the note, noticing another line.

“ _ P.S. Iruka-sama said you have to clean the room.” _

Those little brats were going to die…

Kakashi 0 – Demon Trio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note/Answered Questions:  
> 1\. Just a general warning of I update when I want. Generally speaking, I have a busy schedule so some days updates may be a day apart while others are like a week or two weeks. I can pretty much only write when I am brain dead for some reason.  
> 2\. I am glad a lot of you find this funny! I actually didn’t put that much effort into making this funny. All of this is basically my sarcasm that is usually given to my family…  
> 3\. I tend to get distracted easily, which makes me take longer. I apologize for it! Do I need to read up on the history of Kunoichi while spell checking? No. Will I? Yes.


	3. Kakashi the Kikusui

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi is orange and white like a Kikusui

Sakura had never been a fan of stereotypes, in fact, she quite despised them. They always seemed to feed into that endless loop of preconceived notions that tended to make life so difficult. Fear, depression, and disgust lavishly frosted upon the sickeningly sweet cake of ultimate opinion. Shinobi were beings of traditions, forever trapped and chained by ancient beliefs, unable to accept new ideas and advances. Shinobi were powerful, dangerous, exquisite, with their Kunoichi counterparts merely accessories to be worn as needed. There was, of course, begrudging respect and ever a slight fear towards the more prominent woman ninja, but there was still an unfortunate prejudice. The Shinobi lifestyle was just stacked against most females. While some female members of certain clans had it slightly easier, civilians were practically incorrigible.

Sakura’s father had practically been a connoisseur of this sexism. While most Kunoichi worked best in espionage, assassination, and torture, there was a cliché that female Ninja used their, hem, _feminine wiles_ to gain information. Like any rumor, this held some truth, but seduction was not nearly as prominent as med-nin, T&I, or Genjutsu careers. Of course, her idiotic father, who seemed to lack a single brain cell to call his own, was infatuated with the idea that his daughter was going to the Academy to learn the proper techniques of a whore. An incorrect and blatantly stupid opinion, but he was just a simple man, foolishly thinking that his daughter was petite and delicate, a little flower who needed to be sheltered from the harshness of the world.

She was not.

He had not seen Sakura for who she truly was. When he was called to school because she beat up some of her older classmates, he insisted that she had merely been a damsel in distress. When Sakura came home one day covered in mud, leaves, and twigs, instead of asking if she had fun playing, he instead stated that no man wanted a dirty woman. When Sakura became one of the Three Demons of Konohagakure her father figured it was the influence of the demon brat. She had briefly considered adopting these stereotypes before she met either Naruto or Sasuke, the ones that told her to be petite and delicate (she _was_ tiny but her fists were hard), the ones that said she should be good in the kitchen (she poisoned Iruka once), the ones that dictated marriage as her only purpose (she would be a Kunoichi, damnit)… A quick conclusion was drawn, one that her father brutally disagreed with.

Haruno Sakura had packed her bags and disowned him that very afternoon. As far as she was concerned her father didn’t exist, poofed out of the universe by some strange and unknown force, he was dead to her. So, she imposed herself on Naruto and Sasuke who were all too happy to have her. Two people who had both felt the biases of people’s opinions. Alternating between their houses was fun even if the difference was stark. Naruto living in a large although rundown apartment was a brilliant contrast between Sasuke’s tiny but upkept one. Both of them did seem to have an inordinate amount of plants, but who was she to complain. There was, unfortunately, one thing Sakura could live without. She hated stereotypes but…

“Why do you always glaring when I cook, ttebayo!?” Naruto stated pointedly.

Why the hell did NARUTO get to be a good cook!

Sasuke snorted, “Hn, who wouldn’t glare at you with that bright orange jacket…”

Que the giant rant about how ‘ _orange is the color of the gods!_ ’. While Sakura may admit that orange was a nice color in passing, it was not meant to be worn as an eye-burning kill me orange Shinobi jacket. The ugly piece of cloth was old _and_ worn, the thing would be falling apart by the seams if not for Naruto’s skilled needlework. (Yet another practical skill Sakura was inept at.) While the blonde may enjoy the orange color, she suspected the only reason he had yet to get a new one was because it was from Iruka. While the three demons enjoyed the company of the overworked Chunin, Naruto seemed particularly fond of him. There was also the fact that most civilian shops refused to sell practical clothing to the orange idiot, but Sakura preferred to believe he was just nostalgic. For now, the orange idiot would remain an idiot orange.

Speaking of orange…

“You sure that prank on sensei was a good idea?” Sakura questioned, staring worryingly into her miso soup.

A fox-like grin spread across Naruto’s face as Sasuke narrowed his eyes. A mischievous aura seemed to spread throughout the kitchen.

“Ne, ne, _Sakura-chan_! I thought we got rid of that goody-two-shoes attitude, dattebayo?” He grinned.

Oh no. A full dattebayo. Sakura was in for it.

“Hn.” Sasuke agreed.

Double oh no. Only a hn. Sakura was _really_ in for it.

“I do believe that Iruka-sama warned us that our sensei would be late.” Naruto chided, “We waited an hour after the other sensei had picked up their teams and he still wasn’t there, ya know! They had it coming, dattebayo!”

Sasuke nodded in agreement as the blonde continued to rant about how tardiness is the root of all evil. Two Naruto rants in one day, jeez, talk about bad luck. The blonde was a passionate person, ranting it seemed, was the attribute of both maniacally evil and passionate people. It was rather strange, now that she thought about it, that evil people tended to just stop in the middle of battle to either explain their abilities or their plan. The other side just stopped and listened! Why not attack! They are providing an ample window to seriously wound them or at least take them by surprise. One would think that Shinobi would be more prepared to strike on these wide-open windows. Why launch into a long-winded explanation of how you are outsmarting/outmaneuvering a person when you can just continue to beat their asses? It’s not like there are any spectators…

“Dobe, you lost her around ten sentences ago.” Sasuke stated, both interrupting Naruto and tearing Sakura from her thoughts.

Raising a fist Sakura slammed her foot on the table and chair, spilling her miso. A fire burned in her green eyes as she prepared a speech.

“I am not a goody-two-shoes! I was merely questioning the strategical pros and cons behind pranking what is either a Jonin or special Jonin and then telling them our current location.” Sakura stated loudly, “He deserves a good pranking, shannaro!”

Naruto and Sasuke didn’t reply. After a moment of silence, Sakura glanced down at the other two demons. Currently, they were staring wide-eyed at the window behind her. Slowly she turned to see a bright orange Jonin crouching in the window. She sweatdropped as the disgruntled Shinobi hopped down from the window.

“How should I say this… My first impression of you guys…” He paused for a second, as if carefully considering his words, “I hate you.”

Kakashi 1 – Demon Trio 2

… … …

Kakashi had not planned this. He had not planned on having to go all the way across town to track down three brats. He had not planned on them dictating the terms of their first meeting. He had CERTINALLY NOT planned on being freaking ORANGE as he did so. Kakashi thought he had grown resistant to life punching him in the face. It was a brutal reality to realize that he had in fact, not accounted for the chance life would decide to purchase brass knuckles in the form of three Genin brats. He was going to show them a true demon during the Genin test. Kakashi would break their spirits, their minds, and their bodies until there was nothing left but a pile of spiritless flesh…

“So!” Kakashi said with a cheerful smile, “How about some introductions!”

Currently, they were all sitting on the roof of Naruto’s apartments. The three cute little Genin confused by the current situation and oblivious to Kakashi’s sadistic thoughts. The pink civilian, lovely Sakura-chan hesitantly raised her hand. No doubt she was going to ask how they were going to do the introductions. The studious goody-two-shoes who was no doubt a fangirl, praising and preaching about her _beloved Sasuke-kun_. From what he heard from Iruka, nearly have of the females in the class seemed to have some sort of infatuation with the avenger, she was likely to be no different. He nodded to her and she smiles, a sweat and innocent grin.

“Ne, Sensei… Why are you orange?” She questioned innocently.

Kakashi nearly threw a kunai at a brat as his rage nearly boiled over. Slipping into a cool façade of calm he smiled his only visible eye turning up in a U. Two could play at this game.

“Oh, this?” He questioned rhetorically, “A friend of mine suggested that I add a splash of color to by clothes. I thought that they meant a literal splash. What do you think?”

Yes, Kakashi lied through his teeth to protect his pride from Genin fresh out of the academy.

“I think you look like an Kikusui, 'specially with your hair, ttebayo.” Naruto stated with a devious smirk.

An image of a white and orange koi with Kakashi’s clothes suddenly popped into everyone’s minds. The demon trio laughed while Kakashi felt a vein pop on his neck. Feeling the need to break this up he spoke.

“Alright for the introductions…. state your name, things you like, things you hate, your dreams for the future, and… your hobbies.” Kakashi continued, "My name is Hatake Kakashi. I like somethings and dislike others. My dreams for the future? Never really thought about it. As for hobbies, I have a lot of hobbies."

With that he finished, waiting for the brats to speak up. As the silence carried on awkwardly Naruto spoke up.

“It that… it?” He questioned.

Kakashi nodded and continued to watch them as they shifted nervously under his gaze. Slowly they began whispering among themselves for several moments before finally breaking apart. Three identical grins were mirrored on each face. Kakashi was actually surprised that they seemed to get along so well. Naruto didn’t seem nearly as clingy, Sasuke not nearly as avenger-y, and Sakura was hardly fangirling at all.

"Hatake Kakashi. Former ANBU known as Inu. Current holder of the dog contract." Sasuke stated, jarring him from his thoughts.

The information had startled him. While it wouldn’t be too hard to figure out he was Inu, finding out he was the holder of the dog contract was no easy feat. To his growing horror, Naruto continued where Sasuke left off.

"You like your comrades and _love_ Iruka-sama's curry. You don't like sweet things and traitors. You also have a hobby of being pathologically late, dattebayo!"

Kakashi could only gape.

"Not to mention your despicable habit of reading pork in public! You’re so emotionally shriveled I wouldn't be surprised if you lived only for Iruka-sama's curry and the next porno."

Calmly, Kakashi began to question them.

"How do you know all that?" He asked.

Naruto stuck his tongue out, a malicious gleam hidden under his fox-like grin

"Iruka-sama complains about you, ttebayo."

Sasuke smirked sadistically, he seemed to be enjoying this situation.

"Hn, we steal files sometimes."

Green eyes flared with righteous anger as she raised her fist to the sky.

"YOU READ PORN IN **_PUBLIC_** , SHANNARO!"

For a moment Kakashi allowed the ridiculous of the situation to blow over him like the wind. Perhaps, just maybe, this team 7 would do better than all the rest.

Kakashi 1 – Demon Trio 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Notes/Questions 
> 
> Is this better or worse than the other two chapters? I am horrible at judging whether or not my writing gets repetitive or lapses in the middle. Any constructive advice with be gladly taken. I will be doing some side chapters in the future which are meant to be both shorter and funnier than normal chapters. The first one I will be doing is call Kurama’s Misadventures. 


	4. Rebellious Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens before the Genin test?

Sasuke had always despised people, contrary to popular belief. His anti-social loner persona did not suddenly immerge after his entire clan was murdered. Teachers, classmates, random civilians, they were all too willing to worship the cool brooding avenger. Dark hair, darker eyes, and a pale complexion most girls would kill for, the sole heir to the Uchiha clan. Everyone seemed so eager to befriend him now that he _was_ someone. Everyone seemed so eager to forget his family, to forget that he was _not_ the ‘ _Last Uchiha_ ’. No one questioned the massacre that had taken place in the village. A week past and it was practically old news.

Sasuke, the creep pale kid, the one that was a little too quiet, the kid with eyes so dark they seemed to draw in souls, was forgotten, brushed aside. The Last Uchiha, the handsome, brooding avenger, was whisked up and praised for the tiniest accomplishments. The lunches he made himself were always the most delicious (Itachi had been a much better cook), he received the highest score of his class (Itachi was smarter), he was the cold avenger who didn’t need friends or connections (Itachi had been alone and look where that got him). The praised him from sundown to sunup and yet no one ever asked if he was okay.

He was just a boy, one that had just lost everything. No more embarrassing aunts or uncles, no more idiotic cousins, no more mom, no more dad… no more brother. Sasuke had never known pain until he awoke to find those devious red eyes, so similar to his brothers, staring back at him from the mirror. Of all the people in his family, he had never expected _Itachi_ to go insane. His father, yes, definitely, he had been acting strange for a while now. Shisui was already insane for being able to steal his elder brothers dango and live to tell the tale. Yes, _Itachi_ _murdered_ the entire clan, women, children, men… everyone. Itachi… The one who could do nothing but blush every time Izumi’s name was thrown haphazardly from Shisui’s lips. The one who Sasuke had loved more than anything.

It was an almost ridiculous notion that Itachi would murder his family and betray Konoha. Sasuke knew his brother and that just didn’t make sense. Itachi had loved Konoha almost as much as Sasuke, well, there was still a large gap, Sasuke was quite lovable. The Uchiha massacre was one of those peculiar circumstances where the more one thought about it the less it made sense. Why kill off the entire clan only to leave your brother alive? If Itachi had truly gone insane wouldn’t Sasuke have been the first to die? Why wish for him to gain hatred, gain power, and come after him? Would there not have been more maniacal laughter? Would his brother have acted as though he enjoyed the pain stuck on the face of those he had harmed? These thoughts had nearly overwhelmed him.

The eventual conclusion came in the form of one Uzumaki Naruto.

_“Sooo…Let me get this straight” Naruto stated with a thoughtful expression, “Your brother…”_

_Sasuke nodded._

_“The supposed insane x-captain of the ANBU turned nuke-nin...”_

_Sasuke sighed and nodded._

_“Want’s you to hate him so you become more powerful and fight him?”_

_Sasuke nodded irately._

_“And you just going to do that?”_

_He growled at Naruto’s nonchalant questioning._

_“That seems stupid.”_

_Sasuke almost fell out of his seat at that statement. As he regained his dignity Naruto continued._

_“I mean, why do what the crazy guy wants? Giving in to anger and hate will just make him win, right? Drag him back to Konoha and make him pay for his actions. Better yet! Next time you see Itachi pretend like you don’t know who he is! That would be hilarious, dattebayo!”_

Ridiculous as it was, it was a revelation Sasuke had not known he needed. Naruto was an idiot and yet he seemed to have more brains than the supposed class prodigy. As the months dragged on and he began to purposely scare the more obsessive Last Uchiha fanatics. His new Sharingan seemed to be remarkably compatible with the Genjutsu Naruto had slipped him one class. The blonde demon seemed to have a thing for causing chaos in the best of ways. Sasuke was anti-social and incredibly picky when it came to the people, he called friends. Sakura and Naruto had cemented themselves at his side and refused to leave. Sasuke would not be so willing to just allow a random half-assed rude and tardy Jonin, former ANBU or no, lead THIS trio of demons unless he proved himself. Better yet…

“I am going to kill him…” Sasuke muttered as an aura of darkness radiated around him.

Sakura glanced up from her book, irate green eyes flashing.

“Uchiha Sasuke… If you so much as make one more death threat this book is going to find itself suddenly stuck in your skull…” She growled.

Sasuke glared at her with an equally irritable expression. Naruto looked up from the seals he had been messing with, green goggles covering his eyes. Glancing between the two he sighed before continuing whatever he had been doing.

“It’s your own fault for leaving my unresolved issues unresolved.” He growled.

Sakura tossed the book, Sasuke dodged, one thing lead to another and every loose item in Naruto’s house was flying. Of course, being the skilled Shinobi they are, nearly every projectile was evaded. The blonde in question sighed. At least everything of importance was safe– nope… and there went Mr. Ukki. Attempting to rescue the rather unlucky plant only ended with Naruto getting smashed in the back of the head with one of Sakura’s weighty medical textbooks. The blonde tumbled to the floor, dazed by the sudden and unexpected concussion.

“Damnit Sasuke!” Sakura hissed, “You killed an innocent.”

Placing another one of Naruto’s plants back on the windowsill, Sasuke smirked. Dramatically he raised a shaking hand.

“I have claimed a life! My hands are now tainted with sodium-filled blood!” Sasuke cackled evilly, “Hn, the rest of Konoha shall soon fall by my power!”

Sakura soon joined in the mad laughter while Naruto slowly recovered. Grumbling about his sadistic and uncaring teammates, he made his way towards where Mr. Ukki had fallen. The poor plant’s pot was shatter but otherwise, he seemed fine. Jumping up he turned to his teammates.

“What have I told you about throwing my plants, DATTEBAYO!” Naruto yelled whilst shaking his fist.

Sasuke and Sakura just shrugged.

“Hn.”

“Collateral damage…”

Naruto just glared as he settled down at the kitchen table, the two troublemakers following his lead. Picking up one of the seals he had been doodling with earlier, he handed them each a stack.

“Why did you even want me to make so many of these?” Naruto muttered, massaging his aching wrist.

Sakura straighter, going into what Naruto had often described as her ‘game mode’. While not the greatest strategist in their village preferring a more head-on type of attack, the pink-haired girl was fairly decent at strategy. Naruto was honestly the best of all of them when it came to traps and escaping stronger enemies, while Sasuke was better at a frontal assault and using enemies' emotions against them. That wasn’t to say they each were horrible at everything else, but they used teamwork to emphasize their strengths while backing their weaknesses.

“According to Kakashi-sensei, we aren’t Genin yet. We have to pass whatever test he has planned for us. We’re facing a Jonin, a _special_ Jonin. The fact is that we made a bad impression and he’s not going to go easy on us...” Sakura explained before waving one of the seals, “Traps and impeccable teamwork may be the only things that will get us through this. We are going to booby trap our way to victory.”

All three of them smiled.

Kakashi watched, hidden amongst the foliage, as his cute little Genin marched around the wide-open field that was training ground thirty-six. He could only grin as they set trap after trap. Shinobi wire was spread throughout the trees, explosive seals set in strategic places, even one extremely well-hidden pit was dug. Kakashi could hardly wait to get revenge on these sweet little Genin…

**Omake #1 – How Naruto Became a Genin**

Sarutobi sighed as he unlocked the front door of his house. The day had been long and tedious, filled with more paperwork than usual. A particular pissing merchant had been livid after falling victim to one of the Demon Trios' latest pranks. The elder man had raved for hours about how he was an inadequate Hokage for not having better control over his Shinobi forces. Sarutobi doubted that he would even be able to control the trio at this point. Trouble seemed to fallow them everywhere and nowhere at the same damn time. The entire ANBU headquarters is mysterious turned pink?

Apparently, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura had airtight alibies, eating lunch at a ramen stand at the same time the _unknown_ attackers struck. Sarutobi was quite positive that they _did_ do it, he just didn’t understand how. That alone worried him. If the demon trio did not shape up with the firm hand of their sensei, well, he was scared. At least he could take solace in knowing that since Naruto had not passed the academy test the three would be separated. Perhaps they would even be reformed into fine Shinobi. Walking into his house, Sarutobi jumped as he spotted Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura standing in his house, demonic smiles on each of their face.

“Hello~ Hokage-sama!” Sakura chirped, bouncing on her heels, “I heard you had a lot of paperwork today!”

The aged Hokage flinched.

Sasuke nodded, “Hn, such a shame…”

Naruto smirked.

“Perhaps, if I was a Genin the paperwork would remain manageable!” Naruto suggested.

A malicious aura began to surround the three, as Sarutobi coward in the doorway.

“Maybe if Naruto isn’t made a Genin the village might hear about how you love to read porn?”

“Or maybe about your _kinship_ with a certain Jiraiya?”

“Oh! Potentially embarrassing information may be leaked about home three Academy students allegedly stealing one cloning Jutsu from your office without your knowledge?”

Sarutobi was _so_ screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Notes/Questions Answered  
> Poop. I meant to write more, but I got tired. Visiting relatives will do that… especially with stupid family drama… *sigh* Nothing extraordinary… just exhausting. Anyway, do with this what you must. Feel free to ask questions or suggest ideas for future tiny omakes like the one above! Also Naruto has blood filled with sodium because of all the ramen he eats.  
> Alucard45: Thank you very much for the advice. I totally understand what you mean about my chapters needing less gags and a little more comedy. I've actually had the problem where I have meant to write more but reached my self-proclaimed limit. I plan to have future chapters be slightly more plot heavy. I have big plans for this!


	5. AHHHHHH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH

Hello lovely readers!  
Apologies for not updating sooner, but I have been having scheduling issues with school. My AP bio teacher give as an at home lab the same day my Physics teacher gave us a statistical lab without instructions. AHAHAHA! I also have to read a book and take notes for 4 chapters of a different book. Not to mention I am horrendously behind with my English reading. I also started reading the wrong book somewhere along the line. Let us not forget that we also have calculus quizess that someone is utterly behind on.. Basically, I have playing catch-up this week due to poor scheduling and miscommunication with teachers. I'm not failing or anything, the year has actually been going above average. Yup this is ABOVE AVERAGE for me. Yay. Anyway expect some updates later in the week and quite possibly this weekend. If not, feel free to bug me.  
Sincerely,  
A frazzled HarkinTheDestroyer


	6. Eh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody's feeling eh

Naruto really liked people. Something that was admittedly strange considering his upbringing, but really, who is keeping note. While he generally disliked the looks on their faces when he walked by, ate, or attempted to communicate, it was nothing he couldn’t handle. Disgust, hatred, even the occasional roughhousing and property damage, he could handle them. It was the numb feeling of loneliness that made days seem long and his thought erratic. He would much rather be treated poorly they confine himself to his apartment to escape them. Naruto enjoyed watching them, picking up their hidden motions, and telling their thoughts through their eyes. Most would be surprised by the amount of knowledge he had gathered from people watching.

So even though he was scorned and despised, he couldn’t keep the hide the large grin slipping onto his face. (He had been slightly disappointed when Hokage-jiji told him it looked less friendly and more demonic.) His trips into town had been some of the best ways to ward off the dark shadows and gleaming red eyes that liked to haunt him. (Ghosts were the most terrifying things on the Elemental Nations and learning more about them had NOT made them less scary.) Of course, it wasn’t long before they began to notice that ignoring him was the best way to get rid of him. This forced him into watching people from a distance.

Roofs and alleys, dark shadows, and speed; he developed many techniques to avoid being seen. By enveloping himself in the darker underbelly of Konoha, he subsequently learned things he  _ might not  _ have been supposed to know. Things such as the rogue ANBU that had a tendency to steal the orphaned street rats, he wasn’t a fan of how empty they felt even at a distance. He made sure to stay away from the snake-eyed man that smelled of blood and the shifty men he recognized as foreign merchants. He also avoided the bandaged man with a smile more demonic than his own. Other things such as the well-guarded areas of the library and darkest corners of the Hokage Tower were observed as well. From a young age, Naruto was exposed to the tiny leaks of the secrets Konoha held.

That wasn’t to say he noticed only bad interesting people. There were good, interesting people too, they were just louder and generally harder to pin down to one spot. There was the scary purple lady who seemed as obsessed with dango as he was ramen. Naruto made a point of ‘ _ accidentally _ ’ tripping her and watching the chaos unfold. He’d seen a green guy running around in spandex yelling something unintelligible loudly. He was funny but also someone Naruto made a point to avoid. Then there was the mystery person who left curry on his countertop. He swore he would worship whoever was giving him this miracle dinner.

To summarize: Naruto liked people. He enjoyed watching their reaction when he pranked them. Anger, hatred, or that silent sort of rage that promised revenge on future grandchildren, whatever, it was all hilarious. He liked creating new seals and testing them on those shifty foreign merchants. Naruto almost liked to think of himself as the impromptu fill-in for the untimely demise of the Uchiha police force. He also enjoyed setting wire traps and catching the elder Shinobi. It was fun to see how long it would take them to free themselves. Naruto loved that Sakura and Sasuke had eagerly taken to the various pranks and chaos.

Together they had begun to unravel some of the secrets Konoha held and remedied the deadly parasites that tried to take up home in Konoha. They would rise the Shinobi ranks together and ride Konoha of all things that could harm it. Which was why becoming a Genin was so important. Blackmailing the old man had been necessary even if he had probably already been planning to make them a team, lest the entire village be mysteriously dyed orange.

Naruto liked people and their various reactions. So it was not surprising that he had agreed to prank their new Sensei. He knew they probably wouldn’t be able to beat him or get him anywhere close to a standstill. Despite knowing and excepting the loss, he had still wanted to try his best and see how Kakashi would deal with it. No doubt, it would be in some ridiculous and petty fashion, but hey, that was half the fun.

“NARUTO!” Sakura screamed, “If you don’t stop laughing… I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

He did not stop laughing. Sakura was currently tied thoroughly to a wooden post, thrashing angrily in her bonds. Sasuke was somehow buried neck-deep in the ground and had seemingly accepted his fate. He wore a deadpan face as he watched Sakura’s vain struggle. Naruto was currently hanging upside down from a tree with a rope around his ankle. He would have cut himself down sooner if he hadn’t been too busy wheezing at his friend's current predicament. Kakashi was sitting off to the side going through their travel packs. He pulled out one of the many seals haphazardly tossed into Naruto’s bag.

“What’s this?” He questioned.

Naruto looked up. tried to answer, failed, and began laughing even harder than before. His face seemed to be growing a disturbing shade of red. Kakashi turned to Sasuke, skipping over the cursing pink-haired girl.

“Experimental chakra absorption seal.” He provided.

Kakashi nodded before moving onto Sakura’s bag. He held up several beige-colored files.

“And these?” He added.

A sadistic grin spread across Sasuke’s face.

“‘Borrowed’ documents and blackmail on powerful political figures…” He smiled.

Kakashi’s singular eyebrow rose. After a little more snooping and a long considering look, he spoke.

“Burn my file and I’ll pass you.” He said as he stood and brushed off his pants.

Sasuke nodded.

“Hn.” He agreed, “Release us and you’ve got a deal.”

The rope holding Naruto snapped with the toss of a Kunai. The still laughing blonde crashed to the ground with a groan and a wheeze. Kakashi tugged Sasuke from the ground with an angeringly minimal effort. Sasuke scowled as he stared at the stubborn layer of dirt covering his entire body. Last came Sakura. An angered Sakura often needs to be approached slowly and carefully, remaining within sight, to avoid her devastating punches.

“–ock sucking son of a bi–”

Sasuke clamped a hand over her mouth, a glare painting his features.

“We passed.”

Her mouth formed an ‘O’ as he cut her free. Honestly, Sakura had the worst mouth out of all of them. For a while, he wasn’t even sure how the pink-haired girl was picking up so many swears. Well, that was until he came across a rather suspicious dictionary covering the topic of the foulest words. Sasuke may have accidentally burned it. Oops. Sasuke and Sakura plopped down next to Naruto who still seemed to be gaining his bearings.

“Haha… The world is spinning, ‘ttebayo, and I can’t feet my foot….” He wheezed, “Did we pass?”

Sakura nodded and he let out a whoop of celebration. Kakashi clapped his hands together.

“Now my lovely lit–”

Sakura interrupted with a raised hand.

“Nope.” She said firmly, “You’re not our Sensei  _ yet _ Hatake Kakashi. You still have to see if you passed our test.”

Remarkably, Kakashi didn’t seem that surprised by this revelation. Instead, he did this sort of eye… smile… thing and plopped himself down on the ground across from them.

“ _ Ma ma _ , Sakura-chan. You should have told me earlier.” He said cheerfully, “So did I pass?”

Naruto gave him a shaky thumbs-up.

“You’re… hilarious… dattebayo…” He rasped.

Sakura nodded.

“Eh…” Sakura said, “I guess you’re okay…”

Sasuke sighed.

“I doubt we could do better…” He said with a shake of his head.

Kakashi sweatdropped. What was he getting himself into?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Notes/Questions Answered  
> 1\. My college application has been submitted! Yay! It was only really painful!  
> 2\. I'll update every week now.  
> 3\. I read over past chapters and WHY DID NONE OF YOU MENTION MY SPELLING! PLEASE TELL ME THESE THINGS!  
> 4\. I am taking suggestions for OMAKES! Yay!  
> Lady_Grim: I really love this dynamic too! I hope you were satisfied with what I did!


	7. Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE PLOT THICKENS!

_Nightmares are terrifying creatures best described as a sort of corrosive poison. A most dangerous dissolving toxin that slowly sets itself deep within tissue and bone, bringing about phantom chills that never really seem to face away. It slips into blood with the skulking ease of a venomous serpent towards a particularly plump and unsuspecting prey. With the light of the sun, darker shadows and be temporarily suppressed, once again, never quite vanished. That isn’t to say paranoid whispers are not still apparent under the everlasting orb. Neither does it matter how silly the agitation nor how powerful the person, without chilling silhouette of the dreaded Baku fear can easily become a roaring title wave. A disaster that makes sleep nothing more than a far-off fantasy; wishful thinking._

_What is so frightening about nightmares is their sinister denial of escape or relief. The dark and dreadful depths of the mind surface, becoming ever-present and prepared to welcome a vicious attack to the fragile psyche. By definition Shinobi are beings that stalk the shadows, unafraid to preform right or wrong under the cover of darkness. Most tend to mistake the swirling, mysterious void surrounding them, as a particularly esteemed attribute. Rarely is the connection made that Shinobi are barely floating atop darkened and dangerous waters, constantly almost falling victim to their unknown depths. Nightmares are a scarily close enemy that can neither be slain nor avoided, and yet they bring about a terrifying confrontation. Perhaps this gives a closer look to the midnights’ children and their insanity. Everyone has their coping mechanisms; porn, sake, perversion, or spandex. Insanity is unexpected and unpredictably predictable, but really it is an escape from lakes of blood and mountains of bone._

_Of course, this extraordinary jump from the common mischievous nightmare fright to the instability brought on by years of traumatic experiences should be taken with a grain of salt and a mouthful of vinegar, but consider this a well-versed preamble to my own personal nightmare. And boy will it involve, blood, blades and bastards._

“ _’Well-versed_ ’ is a strong word.”

“ _Shut up! This is my emotionally jarring story not yours! Let me tell it!”_

“Emotionally jarring my ass! What you just wrote is an extremely _lame_ psycho-analysis on nightmares and how that contributes to standard Shinobi instability. Everybody knows that! What is this? _A book report_?”

_“I said SHUT UP!”_

“FINE!”

_“Continuing…”_

_My story begins, well… began with paranoia._ _Paranoia often marks the beginning of many bad things, the aforementioned insanity, eating disorders, a three-week unplanned unfortunately unpaid vacation… but it most commonly marks the start of a long-winded emotionally exhaustive disaster. And yeah, I do speak from personal experience. It also began with a clan, specifically my family. My pretentious kind of bastard of a family, but hey blood relations and love and what. Although, when I said they would be the death of me it… it ended a lot more literal than I meant it. Sarcasm is not a death wish… depending on who you talk back to._

“You’re being melodramatic… AND your sentence structure is off.”

_“You’re being rude! AND only a mother could love YOU with a face that OFF!”_

“You can’t see me idiot…”

_“Well… I can only assume when faced with such an ugly personality.”_

“…You have to admit he has a point.”

“Whose side are you on!”

“Neither. Shut up and keep telling the story.”

_“What do you thin–”_

“ **Now**.”

_It began when the kyuubi attacked in so many dreadful ways, but for now, I’ll stick to one. I really don’t remember many specific details. Being young is a perfectly valid excuse, but at that point, I was considered a prodigy. Perhaps not as good as Itachi, but still pretty damn good. What I can remember is not the screams (I’m sure there were many) or the dust floating in the air (quite a bit I assume), but the strangest feeling of oddness. Oh yes, the kyuubi attacked as fierce as a hurricane, as deadly as a rockslide, and had the same pleasant disposition as a morning Fugaku. The nine-tailed demon fought wildly and indistinctively despite looking quite noticeably human. If I didn’t know any better, it’s front claws appeared hand-like and the rest of its upper structure vaguely humanoid. I focused on the oddness, not the terror._

_It shouldn’t be surprising that many people died. Both important people, strong shinobi, adults, children; it was an indiscriminate attack. I have never been good with politics or anything of the sort, but even I could see that the village needed a scapegoat. The newest jinchuriki was obvious, but the Third had kind of ruined it with the topic-silence he ordered._

“Hn… That didn’t work out as well as the Third expected.”

_“Cut the sob story I’m writing here.”_

A single indigent snort, “Like you’re one to talk!”

_Fugaku had been able to hold the kyuubi, if only for a moment, with our accursed bleeding eyes. It brought forth suspicion and with-it paranoia… and, sigh, politics._

“You grammar weirdo! Why’d you just write ‘sigh’?”

_“SHUT UP! It’s my… writing… style… yes.”_

“You sure?”

_It was several years of this sort of complicated political back and forth that trouble first started to begin. The Uchiha clan is rather… pretentious when it comes to power and prestige and talk of moving the compound to the edge of the village put a damper on this pride. We had, after all, served Konoha with the utmost loyalty for generations. To question that loyalty was a grave and fatal insult. Thus, Fugaku assumed that he could do a better job running it and began planning the grand Uchiha coup d’état._

“That’s all you’re gonna write? That’s nothing compared to the book report!”

_“Well, that’s pretty much what happened. I think that you’ll find that people have done much worse for far less.” A slight pause, “I’m also pretty sure that despite his supposedly ‘complex outer character’ Fugaku… well, he’s surprisingly uncomplicated.”_

_This is where Itachi and I first made our grand appearances! We were both Konohagakure Shinobi and high-ranking members of the Uchiha clan. We had, of course, been taught that loyalty to our clan comes first, but as people grow, they tend to develop their own opinions and loyalties. Anyone with half a brain could have seen that the path Fugaku was leading the clan down spelled only disaster. Blood would spill heavily on both sides, and that would only cause trouble in the future. Yet… everyone seemed fine with it. Way to go family! As the secret clan meetings began to become more and more frequent, Itachi and I took it upon ourselves to prevent the impending doom, destruction, and what would probably be a stupid number of fines._

_I had Kotoamatsukami. Itachi had plan. The plan met hell. Danzo stole eye. Itachi was given the other. Jumped-kinda-fell off a cliff. Probably drowned. Yadda, yadda, death. The end._

Sakura stared down at a scroll with a look of fury painting her features.

“What the hell!?” She hissed.

Both Sasuke and Sakura had settled down at Naruto’s small living room table with a long, disorganized scroll spread out in front of them. It would have looked quite similar to the normal storage scroll if it wasn’t for the almost unintelligible seals both stuck and scribbled around the edge and on the outside of the resilient paper. A cup of tea sat in front of the Last Uchiha, steam lazily billowing off the worm liquid and up towards the broken ceiling fan. It painted a picture of eerie silence in the normally exuberant apartment. Naruto sat moodily in the corner; arms crossed irritably over his folded legs. Sasuke glanced back at the scroll. A blank and impenetrable expression settled onto his jaw.

“Hn, I second that notion.” He said with a dismissive nod.

_“I don’t see what has your panties in a twist. That’s what happened.”_

Sakura grabbed the scroll shaking it as if that would solve all their problems, pink hair gradually becoming more undone. While an effective technique against Naruto, the scroll was critically unaffected.

“YOU LITERALLY BAILED AT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!” She shrieked.

He really couldn’t blame her. He felt like shrieking as well.

“We need more details. Like your name and why you’re in a scroll.” He prompted gently.

Well, perhaps not gently. More like prompted with a stiff sort of neutrality that promised pain if an immediate answer was not given. Cold neutrality, RBF, PMSing look of death and destruction, the look had many names.

_“I don’t know what you want! It was stressful! You think that I would have a perfect recollection of a traumatic experience!”_

Sakura slammed her fist on Naruto’s table sending the tea flying and adding a new crack to the already abused wood.

“YOU’RE A GODDAMN SHINOBI YOU SOGGY RAMEN NOODLE!” She yelled.

_“I’M A GODDAMN SHINOBI WITH FEELINGS YOU UGLY INSENSITIVE BASTARD!”_

Sasuke felt a growl slip past his lips.

“If you wouldn’t mind...” He said tightly, “I would _really_ appreciate it if you told us _who_ you are and just _what_ you are doing in this scroll that was hidden on Naruto’s bookshelf…”

For a moment all was silent. Oh. Nope. Sakura was just fuming in another room.

_“I didn’t say that already?”_

Resisting the urge to burn this dreadful scroll and be over with it all, Sasuke sighed.

“No. You have been suspiciously vague about your identity.” He replied, “If it helps, I am Uchiha Sasuke.”

Silence again.

_“You know… you’re a lot more angsty than I remember…”_

An eye twitches.

“I’m you’re cousin Shisui and you’re beloved little Sasuke-chan!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for editing suggestions! I forget who it was, but someone suggested some great omake ideas that we will defiantly be seeing in the future! Keep the suggestions coming guys!


	8. Hiatus

I'm gonna be honest. I kinda jumped into this without a plan (or at the very least not a thorough one) and now it's right hooking me in the face. This story shall be going on hiatus January 15th for rewrites and serious plot... thoughts. Anyway, I hope that you will please stick with the story until then!

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my brain for years. Finally it is on paper. Big things to come!


End file.
